In a surprising and admittedly very alpha move, it was announced Monday morning that upstart independent music site Blocland has acquired New York based mass media company Condé Nast.

This marks a historic day for the site, in what has been a mixed year. One early win came when Blocland’s entirely falsified review of Father John Misty’s “Pure Comedy” was retweeted by the musician himself, amassing a staggering near-1,000 page visits in a day, while a sad loss occurred when Blocland lost their valuable Pizza Hut sponsorship for incorrectly identifying the company’s chicken wing brand as “Wing Zone” rather than “Wing Street.”

The publishing giant Condé Nast has a readership of more than 164 million across it’s 20+ brands and mediums, while Blocland boasts some 30 views a day [more like 90 – Ed.] across its various playlists, interviews, reviews, and fictitious interactions with minor music celebrities.

“We’ve been sort of aimless in recent months,” said Robert A. Sauerberg, Jr., President and C.E.O, of the historic deal. “In the past we’ve acquired some really respected names like GQ, Vogue, Wired, The New Yorker, heck, even Pitchfork, and just sort of squandered them into irrelevance. We thought maybe by flipping the conventional formula and allowing ourselves to be bought by a totally unknown, much smaller, and quite disreputable publication–well, what’s the worst that can happen?”

 

In a boldly opaque move, Blocland has not yet released it’s own press statement on the merger. But when reached for comment, the site’s CEO and CTO, Doris Montgomery curiously compared the arrangement to shellfish.”When you think about it, business is a lot like shrimp. When you get two groups together like Blocland and all the Condé Nast publications, well, together we have a lot more shrimp to share.”

Across the Condé Nast family portfolio, reactions have been mixed to put it quite charitably. One voice in favor of the move was founder and CEO of Pitchfork, Ryan Schreiber: “Blocland has been a rising star in the music journalism sphere for a few months now. It feels good to have some visionary leadership at the helm of this group of companies. Blocland is the type of organization that will make the right decisions and definitely never fabricate events or quotations from people they have never met or spoken to.” Leadership at other publications could not be reached for comment due to what is presumed to be telephone issues, as all we could hear was muffled sobbing and the shattering of glass.

No purchase amount has been disclosed, but the deal involves what is said to be a significant amount of blackmail, bribery, and personal threats. At this time Blocland has no interest in purchasing fledgling music blog Stereogum.

  • Ryan Gregson

    Shrimp! Forever more shrimp!

  • meat

    RIP Condé Nast

    • Doris Montgomery

      100% gonna axe pfork

      • Blochead4real

        Then it’ll just be us and Stereogum. And the inherent precarious alliance therein.

      • Black Antlers

        Can we fire some their more objectionable writers out of one of those giant circus cannons?

        • Doris Montgomery

          our canon was repo’d yesterday

      • Cooolin

        First can we retroactively change their scores? I have some work to do on their indefensible Alt-J takedowns.

    • Padfoot24

      They can survive if they agree to be paid in shrimp and only shrimp

  • Blochead4real

    This is stunning. I had heard rumors but didn’t know it would be this all-encompassing. Any word on how this will effect our current shrimp payment plan?

    • Doris Montgomery

      it mean more

      • Ryan Gregson

        all shrimp, no shramp

      • Cooolin

        No such thing as too much shrimp.

  • Black Antlers

    Well all I can say is its about time.

  • DFrye

    “You know, I was gonna wear a condom but then I thought ‘when will I ever be in Haiti again?'”
    – Former Conde Nast President and C.E.O, Robert A. Sauerberg, Jr.

  • raptor jesus

    Is this why Colin’s BaBaBan was lifted?