The year was 20 aught 17. The month was August. Blocland had been experiencing some drops in web traffic. Sponsors were backing out quicker than a 40 year old married man in Kia Sorento leaving an MVC Couples Boutique. Investors wanted results or else they would be backing out faster than a 37 year old married man in a Dodge Stratus leaving an MVC Couples Boutique. Blocland CEO Doris Montgomery needed to act. She needed to save Blocland. This is the story of how she did it told by those involved.
Doris Montgomery CEO Blocland Enterprises: I had to act quick. The investors were down my throat and the staff was getting restless. No one wanted Blocland to fail. There was a lot of pressure ever since we lost that deal with Coleman. I wasn’t sure what direction I should take. I thought about selling out and only doing lists. But I have more dignity than that. So I slept on it. Then bam “Content Week.” It was I was just hit by a bolt of thunder. A whole week of original Blocland Content. I brought it up to the staff.
Lobsterman Metal Editor & Crustacean: A week devoted to content? You gotta be shittin’ me.
Blochead Website Namesake & Heathenous Bastard: We have the best boss in the whole world. This should really rally the troops!
Lemonjello Graphics Editor & Provo Resident: Oh boy, this is gonna be good.
Doris: I knew some of the staff would be on board. Not everyone was all in though.
Don Bathroom Attendant: I thought it was a hoax.
Meat Permanent Intern: Ugh
The staff was at odds but it didn’t matter what they thought as the gears were already in motion. Doris pitched the idea to the investors that morning and they loved it. The staff had no say.
Doris: The investors were in but they feared the lackluster staff wouldn’t come through.They needed assurance.
Anonymous Investor #1: We needed assurance. We trusted Doris but the staff was suspect. We asked Doris to guarantee success or we were out.
Doris: I was on the spot. They needed guarantees. So I improvised. I had heard about Canada before from Don and Lemon but wasn’t 100% sure what it was. There was no turning back after I said it though.
Anonymous Investor #6: It was a brilliant idea.
Doris threatened the staff’s jobs and deportation to Canada if they failed to come up big. The stakes were high. There was some initial confusion though as the staff questioned the existence of “Canada.”
Raptorjesus Content Editor & 311 Scribe: I knew don-don had mentioned it in passing. I always thought it was America’s hat.
Saul Wright Folk Editor & Bilingual: Vaguely aware. That’s where Rush is from, right?
Black Antlers Another Fuckin Metal Editor: I was surprised that there’s a place named after those Boards of Canada guys.
Caleb Wishes more music sounded like the first Beach Slang album: I thought they were just, you know, gaskets.
Don: I live here.
Pads Pop Editor & Pinegrove Fan: Fear is the cornerstone of any successful dicktaterchip. I expect nothing less from Doris.
The staff was worried and shrimp cooler talk was abuzz about who was going to be sent to Canada.
Caleb: Yacht deserves it.
Meat: Peter Helman
Bloc: Me. But I wasn’t dreading it. I kinda wanna know what made Lemon the way he is. Which is bad. Wait. Not my wanting to know. I was talking about Lemon. Who is bad.
Saul: I was sure it was going to be Donny. Shoulda been Bloc, though. This is anonymous, right?
Colin Blocland Badboy: Meat.
A lot of the staff didn’t have faith in Colin. He had to do something big to keep his job and US Citizenship. Thus came the beginnings of Blocfest 2017. The staff was shocked and impressed with Colin.
Yacht Playlist Poster: Sure.
Bloc: That kid straightened up and has been a boon to the site since BabaGate.
RJ: I like how Colin worked together with the crew and came up with some spicy content. I was glad he wouldn’t be going to Canada after all.
Darren Metal Editor, wait another one? Dear God: Cooolin’s blocfest hands down. Guy set up a brilliant Nazi killing trap.
Colin: Five stars, tremendous, no one rolls it out like Colin.
Colin’s Blocfest was universally loved around Blocland HQ. Not all posts were respected though. There was some internal grumbling about Yacht’s “Playlist Posts.”
Meat: Lazy millennial.
Caleb: He just trying to get more spotify followers, dude is all about those numbers.
Black Antlers: Total cop-outs, especially because they were on Spotify and, you know, I thought we were fuck Spotify.
Some of us were “Fuck Spotify.” Pads had written a powerful post in regards to his hatred of Spotify. Which actually was kinda risky since Blocland investors were clamoring for a sponsorship deal with Spotify.
Doris: I was pissed when I saw the post. This was not reflective of Blocland’s Corporate stance.
Caleb: He should have run that past all of us.
Bloc: Pads is a notorious hothead. It’s part of what makes him the impassioned writer he is. But it also makes him a possible roadblock for future sponsorship. If required I can take him to the cornfield of your choice and go all Pesci on his ass. Don’t worry. I’ll play Kero Kero Bonito for him as I go batshit crazy with a bat. The silly fuck will go out with a smile on his grill. I’ll wax that motherfucka’s hatchee, fo sho’.
Saul: Crazy talk. What am I supposed to do – switch to Apple Music. Motherfuck that.
Darren: Spotify is a client of mine. Also, I’m trying to get a job at Spotify. No comment. Wait, one comment: fuck Nazi’s.
Lemon: They’re like regular bones, but made of seal bones.
Bloc: An itty bitty little mechanical giraffe would totz dorbz.
Pad’s “Fuck Spotify” post was not the only post that caused a stir in Blocland HQ. Resident namesake released a post titled “The Entire Concept of Sub-Genres Is Jacked Up.” It was met with immediate derision.
RJ: “You are literally the worst” — I tweeted that too, in response to something else, but it still stands as accurate for his twee-disaster piece.
Lobster: I had to clean out my eyeballs with CVS rubbing alcohol and shave my head after reading.
Colin: For a sec I thought I was reading Pitchfork. Thank god I was wrong.
Doris: I had to make a corporate disclaimer to distance our brand from this post.
Meat: I don’t read his posts.
Pads: Lisa Prank would be disappointed.
Things had taken a horrible turn. Investors were furious. Blocland needed some good content and quick or this ship was gonna go down. Doris needed to act.
Don: I work and live in a toilet. This is bullshit. Someone should be jailed.
Bloc: Culling the herd is something every CEO faces at some point.
Lemon releases his “Quiz: Which Alt-Rock Heartthrob are You?” The staff had questions.
RJ: I thought it was suspicious we all of a sudden had quizzes. The chilwave bracket was better.
Yacht: Everyone got Darius.
Caleb: Any excuse to post a photo of Darius.
Black Antlers: It was rigged but I’m having trouble figuring out why.
Lobster: I’m a Darius Rucker through and through.
Pads: I was dissapointed.
Lemon: It just turns out there are lots of Darius Ruckers!
The board called an immediate meeting after the release of Lemon’s quiz. Doris was nervous to say the least.
Doris: I thought I was going to be sent to Canada. I quickly wrote a resignation email. I didn’t want to face anyone. I headed to the board room. All the investors were there. They all had expressionless faces. I was so scared. I thought my pants were going to become Don’s new office.
Turns out Doris had no reason to fear. The board loved the quiz and loved their results even more. It turned out that every member of the board loves Rucker.
Anonymous Investor #5: I got Darius!
Anonymous Investor #9: I got Darius! Love him.
The investors were thrilled. They saw Content Week as a success and gave Doris a huge bonus. Doris was thrilled and couldn’t wait to report the success to the staff.
Doris: I told everyone what a success it was and they were thrilled.
Black Antlers: It was fun while it lasted but now I’m left feeling bitter and vaguely resentful.
RJ: It was a great effort and I just hope there is more content worth covering in the future. It was nice to see us all working together.
Saul: Great work from everyone, especially me.
Darren: It was great. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Caleb: Every week should be content week.
Lemon: It was a week, and there sure was content.
Bloc: Genius admin move. For real. Truly inspired. I hate saying these nice things.
Don: Hard to roll anything out in these stalls.
The staff was ecstatic. Then the harsh reality of Doris’ earlier threat hit her.
Doris: I had to send APB, my most beautiful creation, to Canada. I threw up all over Don and Colin’s office.
The staff had various views on APB’s deportation.
RJ: Everyone else is outsourcing, why not Blocland? May be an issue if our president wants all work for US done in US. But until then, let APB be our point-bot on the inside so I can learn more about Canada.
Colin: He’ll be back, I know he misses us.
Yacht: In the future you should just put your own email in the TO line and everyone else in BCC bc I’m sure some don’t want their email shared.
Caleb: I will not miss Auto Post Bot.
Lemon: I think Auto Post Bot will return the wiser on his return, eventually, maybe a little more human. [ed. note: what?]
Don: We will never give him up. He is our lord.
Glenf also died.
Lobster: He knew what he was getting into and he loved every second of it.
Darren: Good riddance.
Meat: Can’t believe I’ll never see him againf.
Pads: His sacrifice will be remembered by all 8 of us who read this website
Saul: It’s doubtful but I’m no scientist.
No really he’s dead.
Saul: Life has no inherent value beyond that which we attempt to create.
RJ: I’m as shocked and surprised that Yacht killed Glenf as anybody else.
Don: Yes his death gave us power and energy. Death energy.
Bloc: Yes. But they are completely fucked up bones that are splintery and gross. I mean just look at his fucking face. Motherfucker is a hot mess. What was that German broad thinking?
Blocland’s Content Week turned out to be the most successful week in Blocland history. Numbers up across the board. Blocland had been saved.
Lobster: It was a blast!
Pads: Better than the Beatles.
Lemon: A+ for effort.
Bloc: No. But I do eat cherry pits and sunflowers seed shells.
Don: I eat Poop.