Have you ever eaten a bucket of popcorn shrimp by yourself? Please confess in the comments. I promise we won’t tell anyone.
Straight from under the heat-lamp for over two hours, welcome to Popcorn Shrimp! A new column about pop music that I’ll post whenever I get bored and feel like seeing how many deep-fried shrimp that I can fit in my mouth while singing “Call Me, Maybe.”
Less kick it off wif a bop.
Fergie – You Already Know (feat Nicki Minaj)
Fuck. No. Why? What have we done to deserve this? I want to hate this so bad. The rinky dink House beat. The “It Takes Two” sample slathered everywhere like Bloc putting a whole jar of mayonnaise on top of a bucket of popcorn shrimp? FERGIE?! RAPPING!?!? But… ISSA BOP
Maroon 5 – What Lover’s Do (feat. SZA)
This song sounds like it was made exclusively using things that you can find at a Target (PLEASE SPONSOR US!), by the king of Target, and god of Menopausal Wet Dreams everywhere… Adam Levine. It’s about as sexy as your moms Target lingerie and Adam Sounds like a Monkey on the chorus. Do they sell the SZA CD at Target? I hope so, but I’m not sure if my mom would like it. ISSA COP
Justin Bieber – Friends
If the biebs is asking about your mommas car, he’s probably trying to have a three way in an uncomfortable place.
Like the back of a Volkswagen (PLEASE DONT SPONSOR US)?
Yes. With you and your mom. ISSA BOP
P!NK – What about us?
Pretty sure the rest of the early 2000s has beens are also trying to rip off Avicii in an attempt to finance their Keno habits. Congrats on making it this far, yet again P!NK. Maybe don’t reinvest you winnings in more Keno tickets this time. Or don’t listen to me. I’ve never won Keno. ISSA COP
Avicii – Lonely Together (ft. Rita Ora)
I went to an Avicii concert at my school, and someone pooped in the bleachers. I’d like to think that he retired specifically because of that, and then came out of retirement specifically by to find the person who did and poop in their bleachers instead to see how they feel about it. The prechorus almost gets there, but the rest of the song defiantly makes a mess on its way to the John. ISSA COP
Kelela – LMK
This song doesn’t belong here. It ain’t gonna chart. But Kelela can teleport and shit, and I ain’t gonna tell her not to show up. ISSA BOP
Macklemore – Marmalade (ft. The Yachtmaster’s Son)
If you ever see Macklemore riding through the town, town, town in an ice cream trucks, they’re probably not selling bomb pops, and you KNOW yacht got high and ate all the screwballs. Let this one pass and go to the grocery store to buy your popsicles like a fucking growed up. ISSA COP
More than You know – Axwell /\ INgrosso
Swedish House vets find that there’s more money in beer commercial music than organized crime. Good for them. Shit sells. ISSA COP
Fetish – Selena Gomez (ft Gucci Mane)
Pretty sure, in this case, a “fetish” is a term used to describe something than a vanilla relationship, but I’m not gonna doubt the dude with an ice cream cone tattooed on his face. This song goes. ISSA BOP
Attention – Charlie Puth
Court: “Do you swear to tell the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth, so help you Doris?”
Court: “Do you really put a WHOLE JAR of mayo on the entire buckets of popcorn shrimp that you eat by yourself?”
Bloc: “If you don’t, the milk duds just fall to the bottom.”
Charlie Puth’s panting sounds like Bloc eating a bucket of popcorn shrimp, mayo and milk duds. ISSA COP
Reminder: If you just want the BOPS and don’t want to deal with the COPS. Plz follow my world famous playlist “all bops no cops.”