This is it, Blocland faithful. We are just pleased as peaches to announce the inaugural BlocFest 2017, proudly sponsored by [currently soliciting bids from many tremendously powerful corporations], this November on the magnificent shores of Lake Koocanusa. Which is less than a two hour drive from wherever you are right now! Don’t be a scrooge, get your tickets to the festival that’s really gonna kick off the 2018 summer festival season!
Featuring an array of pass options for every budget…
Sure, Ya Fucking Scud – $19.99
- You can look through the fence, ya piece of shit
Silver – $99.99:
- A 7’x2′ rectangle on the ground
- NO BATHROOM ACCESS
- Complimentary morning shramp bowl
Gold – $299.99:
- Two trees for stringing up a hammock (hammock NOT provided)
- Bathroom access from 2-4 p.m. ONLY
- Complimentary shramp bucket with ketchup packets — please don’t ask for extras
Platinum – $999.99
- Access to the entire event (including 24-HOUR BATHROOM PRIVILEGES … and yes, it’s a goddamn privilege)
- With your paid Platinum entry, find yourself whisked away from the rest of the rabble by none other than Blocland’s own elusive genius, Doris Montgomery! The festival is your oyster as you walk hand in hand (don’t let go) with Doris as she whispers juicy gossip about the staff and all the performers that are scheduled for the weekend (Spoiler Alert: Darren Frye is a hugger)
- On Saturday evening, the Yachtmaster himself will take you to his special “Crow’s Nest” (basically a scrubby oak with a couple of pine boards about 20’ up), and YOU get to join him in a chorus of jeers to the “less thans” below who don’t have YOUR Platinum package! Spitting is 100% permissible and encouraged.
- Feeling like $999.99 is cheap at this point? Hold on now, youngster … There’s more! Yes, once we are 100% sure your debit card has gone through and the funds are absolutely available, you will be presented with a framed BlocFest 2017 poster signed by the entire Blocland staff. (Look…we just need 5-6 six people to buy this package and fund this entire debacle. BE THAT PERSON.)
So much Blocciness, so little time. Fortunately, we’ve got the stages to try and contain the magic and mayhem…
Shrimp Pit ™
Chillwave Chill Cave
WitchHouse House of Houses
Tightwave Hole of the Unknown
Wheel of Twee
Vaporwave Vape Station and Stage Sponsored by Vapetown.co.uk (Featuring 311 Vape Pens!)
Arby’s presents Flesh Mountain — Metal so ferocious it’ll melt the flesh right off your scrawny ass (Free Beef ‘n Cheddars for survivors)
Glamo Stage — Featuring the best “glamo” bands of the oughts including, PANIC! At the Disco, My Chemical Romance, Good Charlotte, Sonny Moore (AKA Skrillex), Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz (acoustic set), Adam Lambert might show up
Sweet Sensations ASMR tent
Blocland’s Underwater Reverse Silent Disco Hut — You don’t wanna miss this one, folks. Everybody wears noise cancelling headphones while the hottest DJs slam down fat beats, forcing participants to dance to the pulsating rhythms in their chest. DJ’s are placed underwater for optimum sound reverberation!
Donny’s Room — A tent where our esteemed guests are bound with hundreds of ropes and the AC is turnt to 12 degrees F. Afterward, volunteers are asked which they preferred more: ”tight” or “chill”.
Vaseline Alley — Details to be revealed at the festival.
We at Blocland think safety is optional, but of course our HR buzzkills are making us hire a full staff of medical personnel for any unforeseen medical emergencies. As well as foreseen ones. Like idiots that visited Vaseline Alley.
Buy your tickets NOW, and then see the lineup LATER! Because that’s how these things work. Sorry we don’t write the rules. Stay tuned!