63-year-old Ming-Na Wen, of Flushing, Queens, shocked the world today when she shattered a long-standing record on her commute home from work.

“I had to pinch myself when they told me! I wasn’t even trying!”

Ming-na, known to friends simply as “Ming”, began her long commute home Monday as she does every evening…with one small difference.

“I grabbed my coat, iPod and umbrella, locked the gate to my shop and headed uptown. That’s when I noticed my mistake,” said a still incredulous Ming.

In her rush to get the fuck out of Chinatown, Ming had inadvertently grabbed her younger co-worker’s iPod. That’s when things got interesting.

“They looked so similar, I had no way of knowing! But then I pressed play…I never heard anything like the sound coming from those headphones. Never!”

The “sound” she was referring to was a song by the producer, SOPHIE. SOPHIE specializes in making nonsensical bleep-bloop ear cancer noises aimed at millennials with poor attention spans. But something about it caught the old woman’s attention.

“On my average walk home, I usually bump into around 10-15 random New Yorkers. I just put my head down and plow through crowds with no concern for anyone. But today I had the perfect soundtrack!”

Over the course of the next 45 minutes (and 34 SOPHIE tunes), Ming proceeded to smash into every New Yorker she came within five feet of. She was so absorbed by the “music”, she didn’t even stop to acknowledge their angry scowls.

“I felt like a pinball and the city was my machine! Bing-Bang-Boop-Bleep. It was amazing!”

All told, Ming managed to ruin commutes for over 130 travellers, unseating the previous world record holder, 74-year-old Esther Ziegler of Ridgewood, by nearly 50 people. When pressed for comment about Ming’s achievement, Esther had this to say, “What?”.

While Ming has no immediate plans to celebrate her new record, she does have a few ideas for future commutes.

“I plan on taking my granddaughters and grandsons with me to show the future generations how it’s done. Everything from pushing your way onto a train, to urinating on a subway platform…these gifts I’ll share with them all.  ”

As for the iPod?

“Oh, I’ll give it back to Grace tomorrow, but that music will haunt my dreams forever!”

  • Doris Montgomery

    Breaking news! Wow. Thanks for the scoop Meaty

  • Blochead4real

    Meat is the best “man on the streets” writer I’ve ever read.

  • Katerina Boriskina

    Haha I think she bumped into me that day too!