You can’t make food-as-sex allusions without reminding me of that Seinfeld episode where pastrami-loving George famously “combined food and sex into one disgusting uncontrollable urge.”

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And now Ms. Perry, for some inexplicable reason, is grasping for the same effect on her new single. The woman who used to croon nostalgically for that “teenage dream” now sings about being “spread like a buffet,” “on the menu,” and “fresh out the oven.” Maybe Katy’s trying to curate a fan base among the oft-forgotten cannibal community — hey, cannibals listen to music, too (probably). But this track doesn’t have me feeling like going back for seconds.

Oh yeah, and the suddenly ubiquitous Migos show up for a grand total of 36 seconds (I timed it), but still manage to stuff this turkey with lyrical gems like “Sweet potato pie / I’ll change your mind”, “Make her do a donut when she ride, aight”, and “Sweet tooth / no tooth fairy / Whipped cream / no dairy / She got her hot light on, screaming, ‘I’m ready’.” Cool!

However … it’s still catchy. Max Martin is incapable of producing a song that won’t stick to you in some sadistic way. But if the best tracks off 2010’s Teenage Dream were like sipping on glasses of cheap-but-tasty chardonnay, “Bon Appétit” is a carton of spoiled milk.

Is it good? Noooooooope. I would gladly give away my weekly allocation of shrimp to never hear this track again; and also because food sounds fucking gross right now.

I give this track One Fyre Fest Sandwich.


  • Doris Montgomery

    im going to take your word on this. good work.

  • Blochead4real

    KP should stick to things that display her TALENT. Spreading (sorry) herself out as an artist is a mistake.
    The world is her oyster (sorry2)

    • Cooolin

      Please don’t say “spread” ever again. Thanx!

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