Hey remember when I was gonna write a pop column every month? Me neither.

That was too ambitious for me. But wanna know what’s more ambitious? I’m gonna do one every week! I’m calling it Padz Bop, which is like Kidz Bop except it’s dumb (or not so dumb) pop songs I like instead of a children’s choir singing pop songs. You know, the ones that Suit’s children make him listen to when they feel like tormenting him. I’m also only gonna pick two songs: One that I like, and one that I don’t. The only rules are that they have to had come out within 7 days and I have to heard them.

DIS WEEK’S BOP: “Better Now” – Post Malone

Dear universe,

Why can’t you let me hate Post Malone? I hate the very idea of his character. I hate his face. This corn-row and grillz wearin’, N’Sync with trap beats slingin’, acoustic guitar sing-rappin’, youth targeted prescription drug advertisin’ motherfucker pisses me off on paper in SO MANY WAYS.

So, when I fired it up, I was expecting some Weapons Grade Millenial Dog Shit (shouts out to Yacht), and that’s exactly what I got. What I didn’t expect was that this Weapons Grade Millenial Dog Shit is actually made by that unicorn from the Squatty Potty commercials that shits ice cream. Ice Cream that tastes like way too many flavors at once (namely, The Weeknd, 808’s Kanye, Rae Sremmurd, and N’Sync) but it works?

The album itself is way too long, and the songs are basically all the same thing: Post Malone is partying too much and he’s sad. It has the emotional range of a soft-serve unicorn-shit-ice-cream machine (one flavor alone or both swirled together [but let’s be real what kind of loser doesn’t get swirl]). But some of these songs also kind of knock really hard. “Better Now” is one of those songs. It’s like those first few hits of ice cream on a hot day before you get sticky hands and notice the cloying sweetness. It’s basically an N’Sync breakup song but it doesn’t try to hide the autotune. I like it a lot and kinda hate myself for liking it so much when I think about it at all.

PS: I’ve heard the new Janelle Monáe joint. It cool, but the bops are still the singles (and “Better Now” might slap harder than those anyway), but “Screwed” came close. Please drag me if u feel the need to because I will probably regret this pick in a month just like Pitchfork will regret (or maybe just forget) only giving DC a 7.7 come AOTY season.

 

COP OF THE WEEK: “Famous” – Mason Ramsey

This poor lil’ dude. Thinks he’s being lifted up to fame by benevolent adults who want nothing more than for him to use his gifts to make people around the world happy as clams. It’s sad that instead, they’re using him to shovel some bullshit Jason Aldean D-Sides to a social media machine hungry for #content and stream counts. I predict that Mason will have at least 20 face tattoos by the end of the year. Maybe he will even get to yodel for the first time on a Post Malone song. Only upside to that? I can finally get my wish of hating Post Malone’s music as much as I hate his face.

I hate this song so much that I picked it over the new Chainsmokers single.

Follow my playlist “all bops no cops on Spotify” if you want to impress yr Normie friends with my good taste when u slide into their Bluetooth.

  • theyachtmaster

    by endorsing this man you have squandered what little journalistic goodwill we have worked so hard to achieve

    • Padfoot24

      Thanks for the compliment I worked really hard on this.

      • theyachtmaster

        I agree, listening to Post Malone is a lot of work

  • Doris Montgomery

    hope we havent ruined any potential realtionship with mason and his kin with this post

    • Cooolin

      we can salvage this with more yodel content

  • DFrye

    How dare you slander ice cream like that.

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