Blocland is proud to present two titans of their respective fields sitting down and chewing the DAMN fat.

Blochead Interviews Kendrick Lamar

Bloc: Welcome to Blocland International Headquarters.

Kendrick Lamar: Thank you for having me. I’m thrilled you were able to pencil me in! Top Dawg and I have been keeping an eye on your blog and we just knew we had to collaborate. What with all the accolades and real music industry currency… 125 Twitter followers is nothing to sneeze at!

Bloc: More like, “Get Bloc on the phone,” amirite?

Both share a hearty laugh that ends with an exchange of compliments mostly aimed at Bloc and the journalistic excellence of Blocland.

Bloc: What a thrill to be speaking to THE Kendrock Lemur.  We’re happy to have you here at Blocland! Can I get you anything? Water, Pizza Hut? Glenn… get Mr. Lemur whatever the hell he wants!

Kendrock Lemur: Nah bloc, I’m good… Really excited to be doing this exclusive interview with The World’s Best American Blog.  Exactly who bestowed that title on you anyway?

[20 second pause. Bloc takes a long sip from a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi from Pizza Hut. He softly mutters about Glenn’s inefficiencies as both an intern and as a human being.]

Kendrock Lemur: Wait, did you just call me Kendrock Lemur? You know it’s Kendrick Lamar, right?

Bloc: Oh! Dear golly, is that wrong? Gee Willickers! We just bought this data robot thinger named Auto Post Bot. It’s supposed to be this really cool computer that, y’know, helps us with the data. It’s like Watson from IBM. But cheaper. And with kinks. [Ed. Note: Incorrect.] Sorry about that KENDRICK LAMAR!

Kendrick Lamar: mutters under his breath Why am I talking to you clowns? [Ed. Note: at this point Mr. Lamar was very animated on his cellular device with what appeared to be an Agent {from the Matrix?}]

Bloc: Anyway… let’s get to the album: DARN.

Lamar: DAMN.

Bloc: Uhhh, excuse you.

Lamar: The album is called DAMN.

Bloc: Well, language. Anywho, you really sprung it on us with no warning, huh?

 

 

Lamar: A surprise release felt right for where we’re at right now. Plus, how much noise can you really make with Incubus’ 8 looming on the horizon? I guess it’s not so much a surprise release as it is a “get out of the way before the kings of southern California alt rock come and lay waste to the whole scene” release.

Bloc: I hear ya Kendrick. I hear ya…

Lamar: I don’t know if you can hear it, but Light Grenades really informed most of Section.80.

Bloc: That’s so weird! I’ve always said “Ronald Reagan Era” was just a rip of “Anna Molly”! No offense…

Lamar: laughs What can I say? I’m a fanboy!

Bloc: Let’s move on to the question that’s on everyone’s lips: What’s going on with the U2 feature?

Lamar: heavy sigh Man, I don’t even know. Mike Will and I went into the studio one morning and it was just there. They left us a note talking about the “blood, sweat, and tears of kids from Ireland” or some shit and passed it off like it was a gift. I didn’t ask for this, Bono!

Bloc: If you don’t like it why don’t you just take it off?

Lamar: I mean, it’s not bad. It works fine in the song, but it’s not about that. It’s the principle of the thing.

Bloc: Yeah about that…

Lamar: Look we could talk about the album until we’re blue in the face, but I have something very exciting I want to show you…

Kendrick reaches into a duffel bag at his feet and flamboyantly presents a pair of leggings.

Lamar: LuLaRoe Leggings!

Bloc: Damn.

Lamar: [leans in close] That’s where the title comes from.

Bloc: That’s the kind of exclusive insight we thrive on here at Blocland! I’m sure you knew we were capable of such in-depth journalism after reading our Father John Misty review. You are aware he is a close personal friend of mine? Anywhooo, we’re not surprised Top Dawg Entertainment got in touch with us to help spread the word about your new album, DARN…

Lamar: It’s DAMN!

Bloc: No need to get aggressive!

Lamar: The album name is DAMN! Jesus Christ I need new representation. Why am I talking to you?

Bloc: HAHA!! Nice try, Kendrick. But I’ll be the one asking the questions here today! Not unlike the KGB during The Cold War… Ever heard that joke? It’s a hoot. You are a delight. Anywhoozits… Kendrick where do you stand on the great Vanilla Ice controversy?

Lamar: What are you on about?

Bloc: Well back in the day, to use the parlance of our times, Vanilla Ice had a big old giant rappering hit called “Ice Ice Baby”. In that song he said, “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” and many hippity-hop historians are citing that use of “collaborate” as the beginning of modern day rap and its utter reliance on “features.” Take the track “Don’t Wanna Know” by Maroon 5 that you appear on. It’s on their classic album Now That’s What I Call Music, Vol 61. Did you and Adam discuss how much you both owe to Vanilla? Follow up question….are you aware that J. Cole has hit platinum twice without using features?  He’s pretty good…

Lamar: AY!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Bloc: Excuse me, Mr. Lemur?

Lamar: LAMAR!

Blocland: Lamar! Yes sir! Mr. Lamar! [Ed. Note: At this point bloc looked visibly shaken]

Lamar: Alright?

Blocland: Alright.

Lamar: Alright.

Blocland: WE GUN’ BE ALRIGHT!

Lamar: Can ya hear me? Can ya feel me?

Bloc: Alright! Love that song.

Lamar: It’s Alright.

Bloc: Indeed. You know what else is alright? The money you’re making off Reebok! I’ve seen all your ads. All of us at Blocland are huge Reebok fans. And, frankly, between us, I think the whole Nike arrangement with Conde Nast reeks of greed and avarice. Any tips for us here at Blocland? We have a good thing going with Pizza Hut right now but would like to take our relationship to the next level. Not that we don’t love PIZZA HUT!!! Any advice?

Lamar: Get yourself a crane and hang yourself from wires while being driven down Sunset Boulevard while you’re eating a Pizza Hut pizza.

Bloc: That’s oddly specific, Kendrock, but we’ll give that a try!

Lamar: Look man we already went over my name thing earlier. What the fuck dude? I didn’t come here to give you tips on promoting corporate products. I’m here to promote my album!

Bloc: Oh right. Well, we did hype it up earlier in this interview. Isn’t that enough?

Lamar: I thought ya’ll were professionals! You gotta end the interview with information on my new album!

Bloc: But you won’t give us any information on the new Kendrock Lemur album…

Lamar: BLOC! I’M KENDRICK LAMAR!

Bloc: That you are, and Kendrick Lamar’s new album DARN. is out April 14! Thank You Mr. Lemur

Lamar: “……… (click)”

Bloc: “Oh oopsie daisies. We lost his call. Doris, can we switch from Boost Mobile? I was just doing a really good interview with Kendrock Lemur and I think his call dropped. He certainly is an engaging young man. Is this something we can have Glenn take care of? I’m hearing really good things about Cricket Wireless.

Doris (CEO of Blocland): Sure Bloc. I’ll have Glenn look into it.

Bloc: Awesome blossom! Hey boss! I nailed that Kendrock thing you assigned me.

Credit: Blochead, RaptorJesus, Lobsterman and Doris

  • onigiri

    So did this interview take place over the phone or at Blocland International Headquarters? Does Doris have Bloc trapped in a room with delicious PepsiCo and Yum! Brands products like everyone’s favorite Pizza Hut pizza? Are LuLaRoe leggings are soft as everyone says? I have many questions, but I’ve also learned a lot. Thank you.

    • Doris Montgomery

      These kind of questions should be directed at Auto Post Bot

  • raptor jesus

    Did Glenn take my pink LuLaRoes?!

    • lobster man

      Wouldn’t put it past him. He got his fat, greasy, pizza hut fingers all over mine.

      • Blochead4real

        You should’ve seen that no talent ass clown when Kendrick was here. It was ridic. Glenn was all “Kdot!! Kdot!! Kdot!!” And Kendrick was just a gem. He looks at Glenn and says “Yes, Glenn, I routinely go by Kdot. Is there something other than screaming my name out you’d like?” And Glenn said “Kdot!! Kdot!! Kdot!!” Poor Kendrick was simply flummoxed. He turns to me and says “what the fuck, bruh?” And I had to explain to him that Glenn is Doris’ fucking cousin or some shit and we can’t fire him because Doris threatened all of us if we tried. But the funny part it is it kinda brought an intimacy to the proceedings as I got the vibe that Kendrick has worthless hangers on in his life as well. No names.

        • lobster man

          Please keep Glenn away from the talent. And that includes me.

  • lobster man

    Now that I think about I can hear Incubus all over Kendrick’s stuff. Two southern California giants, I’ll tell ya.

  • DFrye

    Way to ferret out the real scoop. LuLala!

  • Cooolin

    Kendrick has quite the temper. Disappointing!