I remember shitting back when Bush 2 was president. Public restroom defecation was easy and fun!  I rarely got shit-water on myself, and life was good.  Flushing with one’s foot was as much a part of the routine as covering the seat with a wreath of low quality toilet paper.

Now-a-days, because of ideological, liberal groupthink and millennial echo chambers, we no longer have to kick flush our own poop down a shit pipe.  Nooooo.  Now the simple act of sending our crap into the ocean is done by….you guessed it…LASER BEAMS!  I wish I was joking.

While the thought of avoiding contact with a feces-laden handle may be appealing at face value, it brings with it a slew of problems. Whereas, in the days of my youth, the toilet would get one flush at the end of a session, we now have haywire beams of light causing errant flushing at every turn.  Enter stall? Flush. Remove coat? Flush.  Make seat nest? FLUSH. Lift ass cheek to wipe?  FLUUUUSH.  I can’t ever get an auto-sink to turn on, but I get sprayed with an ass full of a stranger’s stomach-garbage every time I shift my weight? Enough is enough.  Oh, and that little “manual” button is cute, but trying to tap it with a shoe can get you killed in today’s climate.

So yeah, thanks Obama, but no thanks.

(I’m pooping right now)

  • calebtripp

    i am often concerned that the lasers are also silently sizing me up

    • theyachtmaster

      Lasers are infinitesimally small focused beams of light particles, they aren’t magic.

  • LeMonjello

    Don’t even get me started on airblades!

  • blochead4real

    The author comes at this dilemma from an angle I had never considered. The more you know, indeed.