I remember shitting back when Bush 2 was president. Public restroom defecation was easy and fun! I rarely got shit-water on myself, and life was good. Flushing with one’s foot was as much a part of the routine as covering the seat with a wreath of low quality toilet paper.
Now-a-days, because of ideological, liberal groupthink and millennial echo chambers, we no longer have to kick flush our own poop down a shit pipe. Nooooo. Now the simple act of sending our crap into the ocean is done by….you guessed it…LASER BEAMS! I wish I was joking.
While the thought of avoiding contact with a feces-laden handle may be appealing at face value, it brings with it a slew of problems. Whereas, in the days of my youth, the toilet would get one flush at the end of a session, we now have haywire beams of light causing errant flushing at every turn. Enter stall? Flush. Remove coat? Flush. Make seat nest? FLUSH. Lift ass cheek to wipe? FLUUUUSH. I can’t ever get an auto-sink to turn on, but I get sprayed with an ass full of a stranger’s stomach-garbage every time I shift my weight? Enough is enough. Oh, and that little “manual” button is cute, but trying to tap it with a shoe can get you killed in today’s climate.
So yeah, thanks Obama, but no thanks.
(I’m pooping right now)